After Birth to Re-birth

Hi. I'm Rose. 

Right now, I'm 174 pounds. My measurements are 40.5, 31, 40.  I know what it feels like to feel my best and I would like to achieve that in mind, body, and spirit!  I want to let go of negative energy and thought patterns and even writing this my mind is like ‘no I don’t!’  So, I still believe that those patterns are serving me somehow.  I want to let go of not feeling good.  I want to change myself and my life for the better.  I want to be successful!  There is fear of success as well.  

I want to do what I love doing, what brings me joy, and what I’m good at.  To me that is playing music.  I love so many creative arts and I love nature.  I want to live in harmony with my family and friends!  I feel strong.  I have always felt strong.  I don’t feel weak.

I want to dedicate my life to living the life of my wildest dreams!  Most of the time I feel confident, happy, and I enjoy my life.  My body responds to my emotional state.  I have had many ailments, complaints, and unhealth in my body and mind.  I have overcome many of them.  One of them is fibromyalgia.  I had symptoms.  Now I do not.  Was it a diet change, was it getting over something emotionally, or was it pregnancy?  I don’t know.  All I know is I felt better when I got pregnant and had a baby.  

My baby is now 12 years old!  I had post-partum depression that I didn’t fully recognize and didn’t have much support other than my partner who was working much of the time to support us.  I had a slight thyroid issue, but that went away.  Something with cortisol I think (because I would become very upset) and I was in shock when I had the baby.  I got mastitis.  I was very emotional at home alone with a newborn.  

I didn’t have friends.  I became determined to make friends when my son was a toddler.  I made one friend in my town and that helped greatly.  I was able to start counseling regularly and even when I went back to work, I struggled a lot.  It was really hard having depression and anxiety with a small child and no family in the area to support me.  

I felt so isolated.

I started to dream about a community of like-minded families.  Spending time in nature.  I started a group in my small town.  We met once and it was a great first meeting!  A few years ago, I started taking my son to forest school where I worked and he got to be in my class.  

I still had depression and I became determined to figure out how to solve this and other problems.  

I decided that I had PMDD.  I was able to get that diagnosed by a psychiatrist.  It is listed as a mood disorder.  I had other suspicions as well.  I self-diagnosed autism as well and suspected ADHD.  I did testing for that and the psychiatrist diagnosed me with autism, ADHD, and Generalized Anxiety.  

At forest school I was unable to do my job to the best of my ability.  I became a substitute, but I was unable to do that either because of my emotional state and/or transportation issues.

Another teacher at forest school lived in my town and I got to know her.  We are now good friends, and her kids are friends with my son, Aiden.  She started a Facebook page called Emmett Nature Play Book Club.  We were co-leaders.  My friend, Waynna, had a baby last year and since then I have been in charge of the group.  It is successful and we all—the kids and the parents--have a close group of friends that meet every week!  I have achieved my dream in this area of life, and I am so grateful!

All this explains very little of what my life has become since becoming a parent.  I have been through much more during this time and it has been a struggle to say the least. 

I have been there for myself as much as I can.  I have not given up.  

I cope with the difficulties in life by spending time in nature.  It has helped me immensely with depression.  I do not think I have regular depression anymore, but the PMDD means pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder and that includes depression before my period most/all months to varying degrees.  It is extremely difficult to deal with mentally.

I am still going through so much and I don’t want to give up.  

Thank you for your support and for seeing and hearing me.

Sincerely,

Rose